recap

Let's catch you up, shall we? After an abysmal first quarter, my 2011 shaped up quite nicely actually.

January, February and March: fuck 'em. Bad, sad times. BUT the one silver lining was that I discovered that I, L.H., liked being in love. Loved, actually. LOVED being in love. Until it ended, obviously. But enough about that.

April and May were wound-licking months, and part of healing is finding some adorable sap to build you up right? Enter, J. I rekindled the friendship with him, although it took an awful lot of apologies and sucking up on my end. He was still pissed off about my first quarter too (the one where I told J I didn't want a relationship and immediately entered into one with M. oops. I would probably have been pissed too..). Anyway..amends were made and we started hanging out again. Then we started hanging out some more. One drunken evening in May, we ahem... took it to the next level. Fast forward..

June, July, August: Fun in the sun! Went on a couple of trips, had way too many drinks and laughs, enjoyed being a "couple" despite my original hesitations.

September: Boyfriend threw me birthday party, invited my friends, made all of my favorite dishes, and even cleaned up after. THEN whisked me away to the spa for an overnight complete with couples' massage, dinner, champagne in the room, a horrific amount of sex, AND presents! He could possibly be the best boyfriend ever.

October, November, December: Fall is my favorite. Scary movies, chill in the air, leaves, red wine. All of my favorites. And the perfect season when you have someone to snuggle up with. J has been great. Amazing. Looking forward to Christmas for the first time in many years :)

my boyfriend is the cutest, sweetest, most thoughtful guy on the planet.
he cooks. he cleans. he takes out the trash. he dotes on my dogs and brings me beer. he returns my returnables. maybe relationships are ok ;) stay tuned

out with the old...

I haven't spoken to Matt aka 315 aka Watertown in almost 2 weeks. I told him I missed him and wanted to talk on the phone (imagine that..) and he "fell asleep" instead. I told him he makes me feel incredibly unimportant and I'm sick of it. Haven't heard from him since. So...another ending. BUT!!! In this glorious yin-yang life an ending is also a beginning. Which brings me to the chef. You may recall him; we've been "buddies" I guess for about a year, we saw one another a few times and I decided I liked him better as a friend than a ... whatever... He was broken hearted when I started up with Matthew and didn't speak to me for a couple months. But now we've made up and I've been seeing him just about every weekend for the past... 2 months? It's frankly a little ridiculous how much the kid adores me. I say kid because (I completely forgot this!!!) he's only newly 26 years old. Yikes! Completely smitten with me, inexplicably.
Things took a turn I think a couple of weekends ago when I went to his hometown (45 minutes away) for a night of silly drinking and debauchery. One too many beers later we were stumbling home and into his apartment. And the rest as they say...
He gets up in the morning to bring me coffee in bed and let out my dogs, makes me breakfast. He brings me my favorite wine. Last week he asked if he could come over after work (around 10pm) on a weekday. He brought me a big to-go of "lunch" for the next day, and snuggled me all night. Said he would bring me whatever I want any time.
I'm taking it slow with this one. I do not have butterflies in my tummy like I did with Matt. But I always had an underlying sense of panic with him - like the rug would be pulled out from under me at any moment. This one is safe and sweet and doting. My puppies love him. My friends love him. Everyone is rooting for him. Let's see..

ut oh

Haven't heard from my Ginger since the last text so I sent him a message, helllllo? His text back, "hey i'm sorry, the past couple days have been hectic. the girlfriend had a mental breakdown and went to *#*$%&( for psych evaluation. it's been tiring."
WOAH WOAH WOAH. back the truck up. Your girlfriend is a lunatic that needs psych eval? I've seen this movie, the ending sucks. So I asked if it had anything...to do... with .... "us" and he said no. She has "issues". grrrrrrrrrrrreat. Figures. I make an exception to my rule and now I'm going to be hacked to death in my sleep. Watch. :P

baby did a bad bad thing

Do you know where your boyfriend was the night of the 9th? Because I do.... ;)

Normally I do not condone being "the other woman" in any ciscumstance. HOWEVER... I've been text-flirting with an old lovahhhh of mine and feeling the effects of a drought so when he asked if he could come over.. I said no. Then he asked me again. I said no again. Third time's a charm, damnit. He came over late on Monday night and it was just like old times. kind of. We saw one another in November for a quick wham bam but then he had an attack of conscience and wouldn't see me again (I blame the holidays). I managed to lure him back on Monday. Magnificent. LOVE LOVE LOVE him. In 1 hour increments. Do I feel a little guilty that he's cheating on his gf? Maybe for a second. But I've already lost him again! Damnit. Sent cheeky text, "do i get to see you again? or not for another 6 months now? ;)" nothing. ((sigh)) I love how the attack of conscience comes AFTER the dirty deed. That's men for ya. See ya in November. He's like a dentist; twice a year. :P

sooner or later it's over. i just don't want to miss you tonight

The first text message came less than 12 hours after he left me. "i'm sorry. i hope you don't hate me." Then 10 hours later, "you're never gonna speak to me again are you?" I resisted answering him for 2 days. Then in a fit of anger I let him have it. I flung every angry thought I had at him; called him a liar and thief. Told him he was weak. Told him to leave me alone. I didn't care about I'm Sorry, I didn't want to hear it any of it. He left me alone for 4 days. Then the "I miss you so much" started. I pictured him alone in his pitiful life at 2:25am sending me that message and I felt good. Of course he missed me. He has nothing. I had been on 2 dates, had a rebound fling with an old friend, lost 10 lbs and drank over tears with my amazing girlfriends since he left me. The "I miss you's" continued. I continued to ignore him. I would answer every 3 days or so. Tell him to leave me alone. Remind him that he left me. I miss you means nothing to me. Nothing had changed. The distance will always be there. We will not be friends. We will not speak. These are all the same things I told him when he broke up with me. I guess actions speak louder... which is what he needed to prove to me. He begged to come see me. I said no. We fought. For what? We were no longer together. What is there to fight about? I told him that. I spent weeks telling him to leave me alone, during which I got over him. I went dancing with my girlfriends. I stopped crying. I slowly was getting back to my normal single life.
He begged to see me again. I relented and he didn't show up. Got too busy at work, something with the kids... whatever. That was it. The next day I told him I'm completely done. Don't want to see him, don't want to hear what he has to say, once and for all leave me alone. He showed up that night with his tail between his legs. Tried to hug me at the door. No. Tried to sit close to me on the couch. No. Begged me for another chance. Asked if we can start over. I shook my head before the words were out of his mouth. He tried to kiss me. I pulled away. He said he loved me and asked me to say it back. No. I listened to his excuses about why he had ended it; he quit tobacco and it made him depressed, made it seem impossible to be together. He was having problems with his kids, money, hates the place he lives, hates work, etc. As I listened he realized what he was saying was bullshit that had nothing to do with me. What would be different if we got back together? He doesn't know. He would have to work it out. The distance doesn't change but he can change how he feels about it... He said the things guys say; "I didn't realize that when we broke up you wouldn't speak to me anymore. I miss you so much. I need you in my life. I thought it would be easier if we broke up, I would only hurt for a little while and then get better.. but it got harder. I miss you. I love you. etc etc etc". I listened. He had tears. I hid a few. I wouldn't say my cold shell of anger completely melted but I did let him kiss me.
We spent the day together this weekend. He has been texting me and calling me. I respond if I feel like it. The dynamic has completely changed between us. He needs me. I don't need him at all. He has something to prove. I could take or leave him. He had been asking to see me again. This weekend he asked if he could make me dinner. He rushed around to get indredients, texted me all day "Do you like asparagus?? Do you want mashed or roasted potatoes?" He got his haircut and bought a new shirt. He made me cornish game hen with a mushroom cream sauce. He asked if I liked it no less than 5 times. After dinner we put on a movie. He kissed me and I let him. We spent the night together. It was nothing like before. I felt like I was with any other guy. The love is gone.
In the morning he made me homemade biscuits with sausage gravy and scrambled eggs. He fussed over keeping my coffee cup full. We went for a drive, went for a lazy walk around the park and talked. He wants to be together. I don't. I'm not blinded by infatuation. I see every flaw. He went from being everything I thought I needed in life to be happy to just a regular guy that's too far away.
I have no poker face. He knows I'm over it. I cried when we said goodbye. I've only ever done that one other time and it was because I knew I would never see him again. He broke up with me a week after that. Time to move on.

all good things must end...

The signs were all there. But we ignore signs.. don't we.. The jealousy. The 5000 questions about guys that comment on your facebook. The whining about how far it is to drive for a visit. The slow, steady pulling away... But I was in love!!! So none of that mattered, right? The highs outweighed the lows. I was happy. SO SO SO happy. Ignoring my friends happy. Not even noticing the cute guy that delivers our water at work (and I used to shamelessly flirt with) happy. We would text or chat all day every day. We called each other "baby". He made me love a Southern accent. He made me love him, against all reason and argument. I told him it wouldn't work. He promised me he would make sure it did.

His reasons were exactly what he's been saying, as he's removed himself from me the last few weeks. "It's too hard, being so far apart." "This isn't working. And it's never going to work." "You deserve everything. Not someone you only see 2-3 times a month." "I love you. But I hate this."

That's the worst one. "I love you but..." worst thing you can say to someone, ever. So you love me. Great. But not enough to work it out. Not enough. Another in a long line of disappointments from men.

...breathe and delete...