the highs and the lows

Yesterday on my way into work I blew out my idler pulley and shredded my alternator belt. You can't drive without it. Lukily I have roadside assistance with my insurance so half an hour of "woe is me" later my cutie pie knight in shining armour showed up to tow me back the two blocks back to my house. But for awhile there I was definitely having an "I'm gonna die alone!!! BOHOHOOHOOOOOO" moment. btw a friend put that in perspective for me later "you're gonna die alone? two blocks from your house? it was 40 degrees out this morning!!"

Texted one of my favorite minions (favorite because he likes me so much he works on my car for free and I don't even have to put out) and he went over on his lunch break with a new belt and took care of it!! Then he called the dealer, got the other part I needed put aside for me and came back over last night to finish the job. His texts:

03/17/2010 1:29pm - you're gonna need a bearing. i'll call the dealer and find out how much/how long but don't drive it unnecessarily until i can get back over there to finish it. the inside of your car smells so F-ing good! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm smells like your perfume. gave me a boner when i opened the door. really. you know how hard it is to fix a car with a hard on?

hahahahahaha you kind of have to love men, don't you? we've never even so much as kissed because even though i think he's crazy hot, he's one of those gym rat types that works out 2 hours a day and eats nothing but boiled chicken. not that i'm terribly self conscious about my body or whatever but it shows that i haven't been as good about hitting the gym and i just feel all soft and doughy around him :P i can't imagine what an elephant i'd feel like nekkid with mr hardbody there.... so i told him all that last month when he was chasing me hard core and he totally doesn't get it. he's like, "you're hot and sexy as hell. i'd kill for a shot." but no.... idk.... we'll see. ;)

THEN frankentoe was texting me last night. he's away on vacation through the weekend and he wanted to check in i guess (probably because he saw hardbody commenting on my fb page) so i told him about my day with the car nonsense and asked about his trip. he says, "great so far! playing golf and strip clubs tomorrow".
now i don't want to be a bitch here but was it really necessary to tell me that? i realize it's probably a bit hypocritical of me to be jealous of some booby-shaking when i was lusting after my mechanic all day and of course there's the whole I SEE OTHER GUYS thing but idk... i'm a bit jealous. which i never am. so i'm trying to talk myself down from the crazy shelf (it's not a ledge yet, i'm not THAT jealous). Is it bothering me because he's away with a bunch of marines all hopped up on beer and testosterone, going to ogle (or worse) a bunch of perfect bodied women on his birthday (and god knows what strippers give as birthday gifts ugh). and what about the after effects if he somehow manages NOT to bang a stripper - it's not like i'm there to take care of whatever pops up - is he gonna find himself in the clutches of some marine groupie that's barnacled onto the base in hopes of ridin a man in uniform? Not that I'm judging those girls. The uniform is hot, i totally get it. I'm just sayin... while it's perfectly ok for me to call up one of my usual suspects to come drown my sorrows this saturday night (which would have been my 11 year anniversary with my ex - i can't even discuss it but it probably led to my "dying alone" meltdown and my stupid stripper insecurity) i don't want him hooking up with some vacation pootay. :(
insane? a bit. do i care? not a bit.
So i texted back, "sounds good have fun"
and he texted me "how about you? you having any fun?"

I didn't reply. I don't know if he means PG fun or drowning my sorrows with younger boys fun. besides, i'm a bit bent about his plans for today so he can wonder why i didn't answer. should he think of it when he's ears deep in fake tits...

BEST OF THE WORST: POF EMAILS

From: B9Bandit
Subject: hello Sent Date: 3/24/2010 11:44:20 AM
How do you feel about BDSM?
WOW....REALLY??? THIS IS HIS OPENER?



From: aceoner81
Subject: hi there Sent Date: 3/18/2010 8:06:19 PM
just qanted to say hi and see if we could talk sometime


From: IrishMale29
Subject: lips Sent Date: 3/18/2010 10:11:28 PM
whoa nice lips...not saying that to pick you up


From: Mikaveli_2010
Subject: HeY whats up! Sent Date: 3/12/2010 4:44:59 PM
You dont look that smart but I think i could be wrong. I never know. Alot of girls can be boring. Hoepfully you will prove me wrong.

From: leeloo
Subject: RE:HeY whats up! Sent Date: 3/13/2010 11:08:00 PM
wow. I work for $&%(&*$(%&*%(@^ as an insurance specialist in a $*%)$*% office. I attend the U of R in my spare time for fun. I own my house and car. I'm not really sure why you thought insulting me would be a good opener, but good luck with that. Maybe it will work on a girl that's less "smart".

From: Mikaveli_2010
Subject: RE:RE:HeY whats up! Sent Date: 3/13/2010 11:11:10 PM
I m sorry. i use multiple openers keep it stimulating. I didnt mean to insult you. My apoligies.
Reply


From: brand31
Subject: Brandon Sent Date: 3/1/2010 8:09:38 PM
Love your profile and pics.Seems like we have similar interests so lets get to know each other.
Reply

From: leeloo
Subject: RE:Brandon Sent Date: 3/4/2010 11:52:20 AM
hey there... so i'm checking out your profile and i'm not sure what we have in common... you don't drink, you have kids? Maybe I need to hear more about you.


From: brand31
Subject: RE:RE:Brandon Sent Date: 3/4/2010 5:36:03 PM
Well I have one son and he is nine so raising him has been priorty #1.Have my own buisness and focusing on career #2.Have someone beautiful, fun, and loyal in my life next so you caught my eye. As for drinking I would its just not something that important to me.I know how to treat a lady and can be funny so what do you think, interested?


From: jw91183
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 3/14/2010 9:08:40 PM
Whats up sexy?


From: webweb
Subject: RE:RE:You still single? Sent Date: 2/26/2010 12:33:48 PM
Look who's online :) I'm snowed in too. So you're still looking for Mr. Right? I have been dating and haven't found the right person yet. I was always upfront and honest, maybe you weren't used to guys being that way with you (rubbed you the wrong way). I'm still surprised you wouldn't even talk to me though. Hollar
-Bob

From: leeloo
Subject: RE:You still single? Sent Date: 2/26/2010 12:26:42 PM
don't know. you rubbed me the wrong way one too many times i guess. what's up with you?

From: daveyboy2620
Subject: :) Sent Date: 3/16/2010 12:55:07 AM
Hello, I'm Dave..Wouldnt a wine tour make a perfect first date
UMM LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.... YOU WANNA GET ME LOADED AND IN A SECLUDED AREA WITH YOU ON THE 1ST DATE?? YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.

From: sparky2642
Subject: hello! Sent Date: 3/15/2010 11:25:34 PM
I love kissing! anyways, I guess i'm a dying breed but I live to make other people happy! and yet i'm still searching for the special someone for me to cherish and spoil the rest of my life! If your open to a new friendship, then lets talk! who knows, maybe it will turn in to something special!

Larry

WOW CREEPER!!! SLOW YOUR ROLL




From: SickofGamesYa has been deleted (View Profile)
Subject: RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 3/12/2010 10:16:57 AM
Just giving this a try, so sick of games and nonsense.Women who claim they are laid back and reasonable, then by the second date they turn into an issue laden, controlling, bitter betty


From: Mudacris
Subject: hey you! Sent Date: 3/12/2010 12:25:13 AM
Come to Buffalo so I don't have to be single anymore.

whose bed have your boots been under?

Why why why in this technological world do people leave a trail of evidence to their lying, cheating, two-timin, no good evil deeds??

Exhibit A:
01/09/2010 I’m single now and still can’t get you? (SMcC)
Actually douche-face you’re not single according to Facebook where you are listed at ENGAGED.
When confronted with his douchebaggery:
1/20/2010 You’re engaged?? (me)
1/20/2010 Yeah its complicated but if your talking about facebook I haven’t been on there in forever (SMcC)
1/20/2010 really… is that what your fiance would say? That it’s complicated? You’re a liar and an asshole. (me)

Exhibit B:
From one of my best gf’s scumbag, piece of shit bf.
2/19/2010 It was VERY nice seeing you. U looked very pretty as always
2/26/2010 I would have cum and shoveled u out!
2/27/2010 you gotta add me to facebook so I can c yer pics
2/27/2010 I won’t tell
2/27/2010 FWB babe @ btw yer pic is smoking
2/27/2010 that’s fine. I’ve been crazy bout ya since I first saw ya
3/4/2010 everytime I’m around u I acted crazy

Exhibit C:
From a former bf who is now “so in love with my amazing gf” according to his fb status.
2/8/2010 she is super cute n awesome. Thanks!
2/15/2010 just thinking of ya., wanted to say hi n good morning
2/15/2010 aww happy vday to u too. Have the girls been naughty?  (the girls meaning my tits)
2/15/2010 maybe we can work out a deal 
2/15/2010 with this year alarm monitoring. i wanna see them
2/15/2010 I wanna see some pics. U know me
2/15/2010 sex is a month’s payment
2/15/2010 she wouldn’t like it 
2/15/2010 when u free?
2/19/2010 will u fuck me
2/19/2010 I want pics please
2/19/2010 please please please I wanna see your P
3/5/2010 when r u gonna put them in my face?
3/8/2010 i wanna rape u..lol not gonna lie
3/13/2010 wanna do a 3some w me
3/13/2010 me u n her

Exhibit D:
An unrequited love. He has a girlfriend too.
2/16/2010 we should arrange a play date sometime, still thinking about that
2/18/2010 that took you awhile. I figured you weren’t interested anymore
2/18/2010 well I’ve been thinking about you lately, thought I’d see where things stood
2/18/2010 I want to take you up on it (finally)
2/18/2010 yes still living with her. Not married yet.
2/18/2010 I want to take advantage of the opportunities I’ve passed over previously, you’re first on my list
2/18/2010 you’re first and last. It depends on you how long we wind up being together

38 not-so-special

03/05/2010 Salena’s Mexican Restaurant, Facebook Set-Up

The other day I received an email message from a great gf of mine mentioning that a friend of hers saw my picture on facebook and wants to meet me, would I be interested?

I checked out his pics, friend requested him and we set up a drinks/dinner thing for Friday night for the four of us (me, him, my friend and her husband) I had to go home after work to let the bebes out and change so I was planning on arriving fashionably late. I get there about 15 minutes late and am the first one there. Strike one. I’m sitting alone at the bar waiting. I get a table and they arrive maybe 15 minutes later. We order drinks, sit through several awkward attempts at conversation and eat our food. He keeps suggesting other places to go after and I keep planning my escape. The bill comes and it’s split among the three of us – not even an offer to pay. Strike two. Fucking $60 dollars I was NOT planning on spending later… we’re on our way for coffee and dessert at Spot. More awkward conversation, more of me checking the time and wanting to get home, get out of my work clothes and into a cold frosty beer on my couch.

Back at my car he says, “I had a really great time and I would love to get to know you better. Let’s do this again soon?”

I’m not even home and he’s texting me. UGH.

Maybe I’ve been on too many dates and that may have made me a tad bitter. Here’s the thing:
a) When you seek out a girl, ask her friend to set you up and ask her to meet you out for drinks and dinner YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PAY!!!! Your ass is 38 years old and you don’t know that?!
b) Unless you are a doctor or your mother is on her deathbed you do NOT answer your phone on a date. Seriously.
c) DON’T BE LATE. I would think this would be a no-brainer but apparently not so much…
d) Comments about your ex being a psycho, grumpy, passive aggressive, controlling, etc. are generally not appropriate. Let’s keep those to ourselves, shall we?

it's alive, it's alive!!

So I’ve been a bit busy for the last month or two because I met a guy!! Awwwww. So sweet. But you must’ve known it couldn’t last. Pull up a chair, mix a dirrrty martini and lemme tell you all about it.

Met this guy online. We’d been trying to get together since before the holidays but it never seemed to work out. Finally decide to meet up one night and we pick a bar on the main stretch for about 7pm. Well it just so happened that I had an ungodly day at work and by 5pm I was dying for a drink and bitchfest with my best girlfriend. We met up at Scotch and Sirloin (excellent draught beer selection and they have a HUGE fireplace in the bar that is roasty toasty warm on these cold winter nights) for a quick one. One turned into two and then this table of older men ordered us a third round and BAM we’re drunk. HAHAHA By this point I am sure as shit not hauling my cookies out in the cold and to another bar so I text my date and ask him to come meet me up where we were. In the meantime my bestie is texting her man to come have dinner with her. My date comes and HOW CUTE IS HE?? Shy, adorable, too-tight pants on his little ghetto booty. Hahaha Bestie’s man comes and we decide to mosey on down the road to another pub for some supper, the four of us. Fabulous time, good food and beers, he picked up my tab and walked me to my car. Asked for a second date, texted me that evening that he had a great time. Sweet sweet sweet.

We went out a couple more times and then I decided we needed to have the talk. Lately men I’ve been seeing make this ridiculous assumption that I am only seeing them. This of course leads to hurt feelings and a bunch of drama so I put it right out there from the get-go. I see other boys.

Fast forward a few weeks and things are nice between us – we have a great time, lots of fun together and he’s a gentleman when it counts. One night we have plans to go to a friend’s house for dinner and I offer to pick him up. I arrive on time but he’s just gotten out of the shower and is running around in shorts and a tshirt ironing his pants. And ya know how when something is “off” somehow your eye is attracted right to the freak thing… the freak thing was his toe. He has the biggest, greenest toenail I have ever seen. It’s a Frankenstein toe. Not in the sense that he hacked it off a dead corpse and grafted it onto his foot although that’s what it looks like… I was stupefied. All these questions flew into my head. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! Did he hurt it? Is it a fungus? (which btw I cannot talk about without making a really gross gagging noise so just pretend you hear that when you read this) How do you have something like that going on?? Does he think this is ok? Why is he letting me see the Frankentoe?!

But of course I said nothing. Because if you had a Frankentoe wouldn’t you be self-conscious about it? I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or draw attention to something embarrassing. But frankly I was horrified. And grossed out. So while I was debating breaking up with him (yes, over the Frankentoe – I’m telling you, you had to see this thing to fully understand), I saw him a couple more times for a hockey game, a dinner, etc and the kid is SO NICE and fun!! Could I really let a little thing like a Frankentoe come between us? And then I saw it again. UGH. I don’t want that thing in my shower. I don’t want it in my bed ! And here’s the thing: it’s not even so much that he has a gross gangrenous toe, but what that toe represents! Poor hygiene? Does he let things like that fester? What else is gonna crop up?? EWWWWW

So we hung out another time just as friends and I saw the toe for the third time – no nail! It fell off!! HE HURT IT!!! It was not gangrene or fungus (gag gag gag)!!

So then I get a text from him the other day, “hey I’ve been meaning to tell you something and I should’ve brought it up sooner but it’s kind of embarrassing”. OMG now what?!?! So I’m all, “no worries, what’s up?” and I’m thinking jesus tap dancing Christ what the hell is wrong with him now?? Get this: he has this reflex problem where he punches people when they try to wake him up. He wanted to tell me because one of the nights previously when we were hanging out he was falling asleep on the couch to a movie and he jumped up real quick to leave. I thought it was strange at the time, but turns out it was because he was afraid he was going to punch me. Awww sweet sweet sweet again! He's in the running, ya'll. ;)