it's alive, it's alive!!

So I’ve been a bit busy for the last month or two because I met a guy!! Awwwww. So sweet. But you must’ve known it couldn’t last. Pull up a chair, mix a dirrrty martini and lemme tell you all about it.

Met this guy online. We’d been trying to get together since before the holidays but it never seemed to work out. Finally decide to meet up one night and we pick a bar on the main stretch for about 7pm. Well it just so happened that I had an ungodly day at work and by 5pm I was dying for a drink and bitchfest with my best girlfriend. We met up at Scotch and Sirloin (excellent draught beer selection and they have a HUGE fireplace in the bar that is roasty toasty warm on these cold winter nights) for a quick one. One turned into two and then this table of older men ordered us a third round and BAM we’re drunk. HAHAHA By this point I am sure as shit not hauling my cookies out in the cold and to another bar so I text my date and ask him to come meet me up where we were. In the meantime my bestie is texting her man to come have dinner with her. My date comes and HOW CUTE IS HE?? Shy, adorable, too-tight pants on his little ghetto booty. Hahaha Bestie’s man comes and we decide to mosey on down the road to another pub for some supper, the four of us. Fabulous time, good food and beers, he picked up my tab and walked me to my car. Asked for a second date, texted me that evening that he had a great time. Sweet sweet sweet.

We went out a couple more times and then I decided we needed to have the talk. Lately men I’ve been seeing make this ridiculous assumption that I am only seeing them. This of course leads to hurt feelings and a bunch of drama so I put it right out there from the get-go. I see other boys.

Fast forward a few weeks and things are nice between us – we have a great time, lots of fun together and he’s a gentleman when it counts. One night we have plans to go to a friend’s house for dinner and I offer to pick him up. I arrive on time but he’s just gotten out of the shower and is running around in shorts and a tshirt ironing his pants. And ya know how when something is “off” somehow your eye is attracted right to the freak thing… the freak thing was his toe. He has the biggest, greenest toenail I have ever seen. It’s a Frankenstein toe. Not in the sense that he hacked it off a dead corpse and grafted it onto his foot although that’s what it looks like… I was stupefied. All these questions flew into my head. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! Did he hurt it? Is it a fungus? (which btw I cannot talk about without making a really gross gagging noise so just pretend you hear that when you read this) How do you have something like that going on?? Does he think this is ok? Why is he letting me see the Frankentoe?!

But of course I said nothing. Because if you had a Frankentoe wouldn’t you be self-conscious about it? I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or draw attention to something embarrassing. But frankly I was horrified. And grossed out. So while I was debating breaking up with him (yes, over the Frankentoe – I’m telling you, you had to see this thing to fully understand), I saw him a couple more times for a hockey game, a dinner, etc and the kid is SO NICE and fun!! Could I really let a little thing like a Frankentoe come between us? And then I saw it again. UGH. I don’t want that thing in my shower. I don’t want it in my bed ! And here’s the thing: it’s not even so much that he has a gross gangrenous toe, but what that toe represents! Poor hygiene? Does he let things like that fester? What else is gonna crop up?? EWWWWW

So we hung out another time just as friends and I saw the toe for the third time – no nail! It fell off!! HE HURT IT!!! It was not gangrene or fungus (gag gag gag)!!

So then I get a text from him the other day, “hey I’ve been meaning to tell you something and I should’ve brought it up sooner but it’s kind of embarrassing”. OMG now what?!?! So I’m all, “no worries, what’s up?” and I’m thinking jesus tap dancing Christ what the hell is wrong with him now?? Get this: he has this reflex problem where he punches people when they try to wake him up. He wanted to tell me because one of the nights previously when we were hanging out he was falling asleep on the couch to a movie and he jumped up real quick to leave. I thought it was strange at the time, but turns out it was because he was afraid he was going to punch me. Awww sweet sweet sweet again! He's in the running, ya'll. ;)