If the PERV fits.....

About a week or two ago I was at work wearing one of my favorite pairs of Guess pumps that I bought on super-duper-clearance at Macy's. Being that they were such a great deal I bought the only size they had left which was a 9 1/2. I wear an 8 1/2 and the occasional 9. So these were huge on me. I loved them so I tried to make them work. Lord Baby Jesus knows I tried. But after almost killing myself 3x by walking out of them at work, I decided I had to let them go.
They were leather Guess shoes - worth some $$$. Not gonna just drop those off at the Salvation Army, I was hoping to get a little cash for them so I put them up on Ebay. Now to be fair, they were not disgusting and in fact were hardly worn because they were too big. People buy worn clothing items all the time on Ebay so why not, eh? Well.... the response was staggering. I had something like 32 "watchers" on them, the page with a modest picture was viewed by 300+ members, and the selling price??? After a fierce bidding war between a few "gentlemen" they went for $86!!!!! PLUS SHIPPING!!!! I think I smell a new business venture, pun intended. Below are some of the messages I received:


"Are they good and smelly and hurtin' for a squirtin?"

"Are these smelly?"

"Hi - how high are the heels? Very sexy pumps! Do you sell your shoes often?Thanks,LovesPumps"

"Are they nice and smelly?"

"Would you consider including a picture of you wearing them. Clothed of course, i just would like to see who was wearing them before i received them. Also cleaning would not be necessary as they would be going to the local cobbler for cleanup and repair."

"HOTT HOTT HOTT... OMG, they are so huge on your tiny feet! When you walk in them does your feet leave the shoe with each step and you flash us with your sole???"

"Wonderful! Thank YOU miss! I can then assume that they are fragrant? The mixed aroma of nylon, leather and grrrl goes straight to my *head*AL"

"Oh my goodness, Your arches are magnificent~! are they leather? Are there toeprints? Can you ship ups or fedex?AL"

"Hi there, Sorry for how weird this email will seem, I was curious, if you have ever heard of a crush fetish, where guys get turned on by seeing women step on and crush live things like insects, frogs , mice etc, especially in high heels, and was wondering also, if you ever crushed anything under these sexy shoes while you were wearing them, would you consider wearing them, crushing some bugs and taking pictures for the winning bidder? Ed "

"dear leeloo,would you say that they carry any kind of scent?"

"Yy=our arches are magnificent miss! your toes like sukkable shrrmps..do you sell hose or closed toe stilletoes?AL"

"I prefer freshley worn shoes no cleaning!!..If you can..send them in a zip-loc bag so they can be fresh and well worn.. thanks!!"

"Wow, compliments on the pic!!"

"Hey sweetie, do you have a pic of what is held inside this item? ;-) "

"I like items that are trashed. Pretty much ANYTHING that have come into contact with your hot feet! The more well worn and trashed the better. A ME page with pictures of you would be great! I like to pay top dollar for the most trashed hot items.....look forward to more of your auctions. If you have something that jumps out at me I'll see if you'll do a buy it now."

"Hi. I LOVE your feet. I would kill to suck on your toes. Do you have any trashed, single-band, leather, platform sandals or house slippers that you want to sell? I am looking for a sandal style similar to Steve Madden Pepe. If you go to Ebay Advanced Search and type in Steve Madden Pepe, you will see the style that I desire. Please let me know. If one of your girlfriends has this sandal style and would be interested in selling them, please let me know. Take care. "

" I do love these heels--especially the way you are modeling them-- such sexy foot gestures--you are a goddess! I want the shoes--and to buy more pictures of you modeling them digital photos, high quality -- for my own personal enjoyment. Willing to buy pictures, please write if interested: phot@yao.com"

"If I sent you a pair of black skechers bikers(womens size 7) that you could rip, tear or cut them enough to get your feet into them and take a few pics of how small they are compared to your beautiful feet? Either your toes hanging out the front or your heel splitting the backs apart!! Why you ask? They are an ex's and I'd love to send her picks of them torn apart on a beautiful Womans feet. Just let me know!! Thank You"

"G'DAY Again From DOWN underGee's thanks i will n ow put some bids in hope the bloody hell i win thanks again from down under.G'day (by the way we do talk like this everyday)Love ya.Malcolm."

Down With Pussy

I'm reading a book right now for nerd group that makes me want to SLIT MY WRISTS. It's about some cat that lives in a library and how he "saved the town" by being adorable. Seriously. I want to vomit with every turn of the page. Unfortunately I have this compulsion to always finish a book or movie once I've started it. The only one I ever gave up on was the Horse Whisperer. Because frankly... it's the Horse Whisperer. It was atrocious. I may give it another go though... it HAUNTS me. And Robert Redford is a hot sexy piece of old ass.

That said, I have to point out how in life and dating there are certain compromises one must make. I don't make them. I'm just saying... they're out there. Like the kids thing... I know... boo-hiss me all you want but I don't necessarily want kids of my own. Why for love of the baby Jesus would I want YOURS? And if your ex is a nightmare hell beast (which they all are, face it) why would I want some little mini version of that running around, stealing my makeup and tormenting my dogs?

And a word on my dogs... I make it very clear that any man that comes my way better deal with the fact that they are my babies. Not in the I-dress-them-up-in-bonnets-and-bottle-feed-them kind of way. But in the, I-WILL-go-home-after-work-to-let-them-out-and-play-with-them-before-our-date-so-suck-it-up-and-wait-for-me kind of way. Men that come around and push my dogs off their laps, bitch about the fur that clings to their shirts, or best yet whine about their silly "allergies" have no place in my home or in my pants. My dogs sleep with me every night. Any guy that wants to get in bed with me better skooch over and make room for the pups. And goddamn like it.

new shoes!!! :D

because who can't use a cute white heel??

yay for classic pumps in hot colors!!!

to replace the strappy pair my dogs ate :(

and the best part? all these babies were on super sale. love a bargain shoe!!

black friday, blue balls

So..... Black Friday I was invited to my best gf's house for a little post-Thanksgiving celebration. I got there a bit late, drank most of a bottle of wine and sexted with this boy J all night to arrange to meet up for our first date after he got out of work. Did I mention he owns a liquor store? :D
9:30 rolls around and I stumble down the street to meet him at the bar, have a couple beers and decide he isn't a total psycho. So I invite him to come back to my friend's with me to enjoy some more wine and good company. Problem is I did enjoy more wine. A lot more wine. On top of the beer. Now usually I have a strict no-mixing policy when it comes to booze, but it was a party! Anything goes! Speaking of, a little make out in the kitchen that carried over to the privacy of the bathroom? Yes PLEASE!! Although I can't tell if it was any good because I was pretty intoxied at that point.
So intoxied in fact that I had to kick him out of the bathroom so I could vom. SO attractive, I know!!! Ugh. Luckily my bestie knows when I've been overserved and came in to tie up my hair and bring me water. Some time later (time is irrelevant when you're huggin the toilet, frankly) we left and Mr. Nice Guy as I'll call him followed me to make sure I got home ok. He walked me inside and got me to bed with minimal inappropriate advances. SCORE!! Did I finally find a nice guy??? Can it be???

OH BUT NO

The next day I get texts from him ranging from, "you're so beautiful, I'd love to see you again" to "could you feel my boner when we were kissing in the bathroom?" to "what color are your panties, what style do you like best, I want to see you in a thong!!"

Ugh. He's a perv. Why WHY WHHHHHYYYYYY??? What is wrong with men?? BAck to the drawing board....