New Guy!!! We'll call him Watertown. Because that's where he's from. Which is 2.5 hours away from where I am. INSANITY. He asked me out two years ago when I was freshly traumatized from the last huge mistake, I mean relationship, and I had the feeling he was a "relationships guy" so I turned him down. We've always remained friendly, but in October things took a flirtatious turn and now wham bam, love. We went to Beale Street on South last night for our first official date, then back to my place for some movie time (aka makeout).

The Good:
Kid is crazy, stupid sweet to me. When I expressed concern about the distance between us he said not to worry, that he will always come here whenever I want to see him.
He's from Alabama originally so he has that sexxxy Southern accent, which I thought would be annoying bc frankly I think that accent sounds...unintelligent... but he's lost enough of it that it just pops out a little in some of his words and is the cutest damn thing ON THE PLANET.
He's crazy about me. CRAZY about me. Like, went and got a haircut and bought new shoes for the date kind of crazy. When he asked me out last week I told him it would have to wait 'til this week bc I was going out of town and he said, "I've waited 2 years for the chance to take you out, another week is nothing." seriously?! Who is that adorable?
He paid for dinner. $100. Bam. Like it was nothing. Oh and did I tell you homeboy has money? Great job (which he can do anywhere), company car, sharp dresser..woof.
He's shy. His nerves definitely were showing at dinner. He sucked down three drinks and still had shaky hands. When we went to my house I gave him a solid 4 opportunities to kiss me before he worked up the nerve. When he did finally put those kisses on me, the hands and the mouth did not stop. He was behind me, under me, over me, kissin my knees, my tummy, my arms.. anywhere I would let him.
After making out for 3 hours (yes, that's right THREE HOURS), I finally relented and let him ahem...kiss everywhere he wanted to. An HOUR LATER, no lie, he finally took a pause and I pushed him away. Seriously. Had to push him away. I think I'm in love.

The Bad:
Besides the fact that he lives 2.5 hours away? (which technically could also be a good thing... since I don't like to be smothered by someone always around me...)
He has two kids with his ex-wife. They are 8 and 10. I never ever ever ever ever date someone with kids. Ever. The drama. The sharing of him with them. I don't wanna be a mama to my own kids and I for damn sure don't wanna play mama to some other woman's.
He's a pro-lifer and he loves Walmart. One of these is obviously more problematic than the other.

The Ugly:
None. Kid is amazing. The ugly part is that I'm crazy about him and again stand the chance of getting my heart stomped and beaten to a pulp. But what a fun ride :) YAY LOVE!

Well it's the holidays which means I pretty much hate everyone and everything with equal venom. I hate Thanksgiving. I hate Christmas. I hate the eves. I hate decorating, Christmas shopping and the freezing ass cold. I particularly hate the New Year. OOOOH goodie. Let's recap what you've done with yourself for the last 365 days. That'll bring the sun right out. OH OH OH!!! I know! Let's make resolutions of all the things we're going to accomplish next year! Then next year for New Year's we'll have more things to hate ourselves for not doing. Who ever thought that was a good idea?
To add insult to injury, every single person I know is in a relationship. As I type this. Everyone. Which means I'm the 5th, 7th, 15th wheel wherever I go. Fantastic.
Eff you holidays.

Second Date with Joe

Second Date at Old Toad on Alexander 11/17/2010

Horrible. Awful. Unspeakably bad. We argued about everything two human beings could possibly argue.. cats vs. dogs. Seriously.
The good part was he bought my dinner and beers. mmm mmmmmm
The other good part was he had an early morning and had to cut it short. I was like, ummm no problem buddy. No problem at alllllllllllll. ugh

NEW PROSPECTS ON THE HORIZON!!!
This Thanksgiving season, I am grateful for a seemingly endless cornucopia of men that want nothing more than to take me out for beers and gaze upon my lips and tips.
a) New policeman, Jason. WOOHOO I've always loved a man in uniform. Pros: umm he's a cop. duh. agreeable schedule. likes to drink. can get me out of tickets (when my tits can't). Cons: He's 36. That's a bit past prime for me. I like em young and malleable... we'll see. AND he has a kid. UGH. this can only be overcome by the hot uniform. We'll see. :P

b) Josh the pastry chef has been sniffing around again (technically he's an old prospect I suppose..). The pros: he adores me, inexplicably. I'm so mean to him to keep him from getting too attached but he loves me all the more. I told him last night I am going to punch him in the nads. He cannot be deterred. Is he psycho? possibly... $$$ baby. and he can cook. The Cons: possibly psycho. lives in Geneva (an hour away). I'm not attracted to him. He smothers me. I HATE THAT. And he doesn't care that I tell him I hate it. He does it anyway.

c) Chris, the cutie pie that gives me things. He's been around but not really. He works out of Albany so he's not in Rochester often. That falls under PROS category, obvi. He gave me leashes for my pups, $$$ donation for my charity, $50 wine for my birthday. PROS: He spoils me, clearly, and has the cash to do it. He works in a skilled trade and knows how to do a LOT of manly things. Woof. He babies his dog - like brushes her teeth, trims her toes, wants to breed her, etc. It's pretty sweet and he's definitely a nurturer. And crazy about me. CONS: he's very fit. maybe too skinny for me? SHY. REALLY SHY. He doesn't really drink. yay for a constant DD but I likes my cocktails... is he not gonna be down with that?

d) Aaron, this cop my sister knows and is trying to set me up with. Pros: Another Cop. Love me some cops. mm mmmm Apparently he's been hot for me for awhile and wants to take me out something fierce. And has $$$. And his own place. And likes to spoil ladies. Cons: Kind of geeky, not that cute. Also, why is he trying to get to me through my sister? Send me a message. Man Up! You're a cop for chrissakes!

11/07/2010
Distillery on S Winton
New Boy from POF- Joe

The Skinny: Joe is a drummer in a couple of local bands, he works with bad ass kids in the city through a youth rehab program, and looks a bit like a young kiefer sutherland.

The Good:
a) he paid. You know how I love that.

b) he dressed up for the date. Jeans, button up shirt with a sweater over it. Nice looking.

c) good, flirty conversation.

d) he doesn't want kids.


The Bad:
a) he's cute but... i'm not sure i'd bang him. Jury's out.

b) he's a drummer. he's constantly drumming. on the table. on his leg. constantly. i told him i'd be over that real quick.

c) he's a bit cocky. and he talks about his job too much. I don't want to hear about a bunch of badass kids trying to stab you. Not interested.


The UGLY:

So that night and the next day he's talking about how much he enjoyed meeting you and asking when we can see each other again. I told him my schedule is pretty up in the air as I am looking at buying a new car, he asked what I'm looking at, I tell him mustangs... he says... "ohhh i don't think we can talk anymore. Mustangs are hideous, boxy, impractical, gas guzzlers. All mustangs are driven by douchabags."
WOW. Way to make an impression.

2nd Date with William, who I decided on 1st Date that I want to keep:

Serious flirtatious texting ensued all throughout Thursday. A sampling (William only):

10/28/2010 1:20am I had a lot of fun tonight !I wanna see you again... Soon :)

10/28/2010 4:07pm Which day are we going out? Or both!! ;)

10/28/2010 5:00pm what are you doing tonight? Friday works but I have to work early on Saturday. Saturday works better, but I don't wanna wait that long :(


Friday he was texting me all day, confirming dinner for the night, etc. He texted me around 6pm to let me know he had to run a quick errand and then would be over to pick me up. He shows up looking all cute in his dressy work clothes and we head towards upper Monroe to figure out where we want to go. Wind up at Brio and have a perfect, romantic dinner together. I won't bore you with details of our conversation, but it was a perfect second date dinner. Leave there and go to the South Wedge looking for a place to just chill and have a beer. His suggested bars were all packed so we wound up at that dump-ass bar Caverly's which had 5 people in it. Perfect for beers and darts though. When we left there we stopped because I had to get dog food for my mutts, and he said he didn't want to drink anymore but didn't want to go home yet. Wound up at my house (roommate was home) and put on a movie. Movie = makeout on the couch. Which we did. For 2 hours. Amazing.

Saturday we were supposed to go to a haunted house and then drinks/dinner after with my friends. We exchanged texts in the morning/afternoon about meeting up and he seemed like he was all about it. He was at work and wanted to change, etc so he was going to meet us up at the bar afterwards. I texted him at about 9pm to say we were done at the house and heading to a bar downtown. Didn't hear back from him until 11:30pm "I went down town now i'm drunk :(" At that point I was home and getting ready for bed, all pissed off. He called me at midnight but I was already asleep, then he texted me at 12:40 "where are you? :("

Sunday morning I sent him a message, just a hey sorry, got your texts late last night, hope you had a goodnight.
Nothing back.

Got into a big car accident Sunday night around 7pm and posted on FB. Heard from lots of other people, nothing from William... ok...
By about noon today (Monday) I still have not heard from him. Now I'm pissed.
I sent him a message: HEY What's up?
Him: Hey what are you up to?
Me: Working. have you been on fb? I was in a big accident last night.
Him: What happened? are you ok?
Me: yeah some kid turned in front of me, his fault. ok physically but last night was scary
Him: at least you're ok.
Me: yeah. too bad about saturday. what's your week like?
Him: ok so far. I don't feel well though
Me: No I meant are you free some night this week?
Him: Oh I should be Tuesday or Wednesday.
Me: ok... did you want to get together? are you being weird?
Him: Yeah sorry, just feel shitty. Really out of it yesterday and today. I had my phone off yesterday and just turned it on at noon actually.


HMMMMMMM ok here's my problem with this.... even if you're hungover or sick, you can still text someone when you know you had plans with them (tentative plans to watch the game on Sunday together). AND how can he magically feel well enough to comment on peoples' facebook statuses but not see that something's up with me or even just say hello?
I'm soooooooo sad about this. I was really into him. Butterflies, anticipation, happy to be around him... all that crap. I never get that. :(

HIM: so are we going to see RE3 or what? :P

ME:Oct. 24, 2010 – 9:36pm yeah, when?
HIM:re: RE3, sometime when there's a matinee or it comes to the Dollar Theater. :P

ME:Oct. 27, 2010 – 10:08am hey big spender, if you want a matinee it'll have to be the weekend.
HIM:Oct. 27, 2010 – 9:55pm weekend it is. unless you wanna play big spender & treat. :P Report this

ME:October 29, 2010- 12:15pm i'm pretty. i don't do that. :*

10/27/2010
McGregor's on Jefferson
William - new guy from Cupid

Got an email from this kid on Cupid last week that I caught his eye and he would like to get to know me better. A few messages back and forth and we decided to meet up for a cocktail. I was a bit worried from his picture that he could be a fatty, but I liked the looks of his sparkley eyes and smile.
I got all caught up watching Glee-runs on Hulu and was LATE for the date! EEK Get there and the place is cram-packed full of sausage. The kid at the door asks if I want a table and I say I'm looking for someone. He's all, "good luck with that, we're crazy busy! We have the series (BASEBALL WOOHOO!!), a party from RIT of 30 students and we just had 20 RPD officers come in for drinks, so be on your best behavior." hahahah awesome. So I walk around the bar once looking for him, stand off to the side to text him and see where the heck he was and OOPS found the RPD officers. mm mmmmmm It's always good to have a back up plan. Or twenty.
Walked around to the other side of the bar and was about to give up when I found him. SO CUTE. Way cuter than his picture, I LOVE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS! I order a beer (Southern Tier Porter mm mmm) and he says ON MY TAB. Love him already. Great conversation, witty banter, etc etc. He gets some change and we go over to play darts. Obvious mutual interest and flirtation. AND!!! Get this! We're playing darts, I had to hit a 15 and an 18 in order to win. I throw dart 1, get nothing. Throw dart 2 and get the 15!! Throw dart 3 and hit the 18!!! Never in my life could I ever do that again, it was awesome!
Back to the bar for more drinks, watch part of the series and TONY BENNETT is singing!! It's like the stars were all aligned blessing our first date! We go outside (he smokes, but he said only 4 cigarettes a day and he's quitting. blech) and it's a beautiful fall night, little sprinkles of rain.. more titillating conversation and then he kissed me. sigh. ahhh the first kiss. I wish I was a little less drunky so I could remember it better, but we definitely made out in the rain on the deck.
We walk out together and he says he'll drive me to my car (it's raining harder at that point), a little more makeout and I literally dragged myself away from him so I could leave. Could've smooched on him all night. :p~

The Good:
a) he's tall and super cute

b) he's totally in love with me.

c) he has money and dresses well (bought my beers and an order of fries to share!)

d) works for the Chevy dealership
d1) gets a new car every 6 months
d2) I told him I'll be in the market soon and he said he'll totally help me buy a car bc he knows the process inside and out!!

e) kisses like a damn demon on payroll

The Bad:
a) smokes. blech.

b) lives in Livonia. I told him I will not be making that trek. Luckily he works in Rochester so we can plan around that

c) he says he's a cuddler. ick.

The Ugly:
UMMMM I actually really have nothing. I'm pretty much in love with him and we joked all night about going to Vegas and getting married next week. I suppose the "ugly" could be that I actually like a guy and potentially stand a chance of getting my cold black heart stomped. Oh he likes Sarah Palin. But we don't talk about that.

From: birawerm (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: quick question Sent Date: 10/21/2010 9:10:53 PM
What if I had a good job, a car, but lived at home? Keep in mind I'm only home 2-4 months out of the year. I travel a lot for work so paying for a place I don't get to enjoy doesn't make sense.

ME:ummmmmmm what is the question? Actually it doesn't matter. The answer is NO

From: willy1973 (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 10/24/2010 11:56:32 AM
hi


From: cory english (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 10/23/2010 9:34:22 PM

heY


me: YOUR LACK OF EFFORT AND ORIGINALITY HAS BEEN DULY NOTED.

cupid

10/25/2010 Hey there cutie. How are ya? You look cutie in your pix. Lets chat, I would like to know more about you. Im Kevin btw. What do you like doing for fun?

ME: haha my sister got the same message from you.

10/26/2010 That's cause beauty must run in your family. I do think your cute tho. Whats your name? I looked on your profile page and didn't see it. I says you live a couple miles from me that's so cool. I live by Dewey Wegmans. Were do you live and im not a stalker or a creep it just cool that we live so close to each other. You have your own house, so do you have roommates? Do you like coffee? I know of this really awesome coffee shop that's close and it would be cool to talk with yea and get to know ya better.

WOW..... JUST.. WOW.

10/25/2010
McGregor's on Jefferson
Rob - new guy from Cupid

Went out with this kid last night that I was actually pretty excited to meet. From his pictures, he looked cute, kind of scruffy and definitely interesting. I figured he would be a bit nerdy because he's an RIT grad and works in IT, but I thought there would be some other interests to balance it out.. not so much.

The Good:
a) he paid. that's always a plus in my book and surprisingly a lot of guys out there don't, even when they ask for the date. Unacceptable.

b) we had great conversation- we talked about movies, books we've read, classes in school, work. He's funny and a little quirky but generally we had a good time talking. No awkward pauses even.

c) I asked if he would share some food (I had work, then class and no dinner. At 8:30pm I was hungry) and he totally let me pick, didn't have any objection to anything except to say he doesn't love olives. Good job letting me order for us, I like that.


The Bad:
a) he has a pet snake. I can't get into that. Gross.

b) He's young. 24. Too young?

c) he's SHORT. I didn't realize until yesterday afternoon he's only 5'6". I live in heels.

d) he's into some weird stuff. Sci-fi, gaming (EEEEEK), Japanese swords... idk about all that

e) when he walked me out to the car I thanked him and gave him a hug goodbye. He literally leapt at me to hug me. Eagerness? Social awkwardness? Maybe that's not a negative, but it seemed a little "off"

The Ugly
He told a story about a professor of his that supposedly tried to get him kicked out of RIT. I guess he corrected her on a couple of things that she was wrong about in front of class, and I'm sure there is way more to the story, but I don't necessarily have a warm and fuzzy feeling about a guy that says on a first date that he "could've had her job". He came off pompous and smarmy about the whole thing. Not a fan. Also, pretty sure I wouldn't bang him.

10/21/2010
TC Riley's @ Park Point, RIT
John (new guy from Cupid)

After some mildly interesting correspondence with this RIT student I decided to take him up on his third offer to buy me a drink.

The Good:
a) he's insanely smart. Wants to be a math professor.

b) he drives a shiny white monte carlo. vroom vroom.

c) he paid for the beer and ordered something appropriate (Oktoberfest)

d) kind of cute in a baby Asian John Cusack kind of way...

e) the conversation was decent if a little boring. he talked about math. a lot.

The Bad:
a) he wants to be a math professor. BORING.

b) he lives on campus. eek

c) he only drank one beer and said he was "staggery", looked at me apologetically and said "i don't drink much."

d) horrible fashion sense (see below)


The Ugly:
HE HAS A 70's PORN MUSTACHE AND WAS WEARING A BLACK LEATHER MOTORCYCLE JACKET. WITH ZIPPERS.


After the beer he asked if I wanted to come back to his dorm room and watch a movie. Seriously. I politely declined and said I had to get home to let out the dogs. He asked if I would go let them out and come back. GET A HINT BUDDY! Got home and he was already texting me, "when are you free again?" ugh. This one's a barnacle, I can feel it.

On the plus side, there were some definite cutie pies checking me out at the bar so looks like I have a new place to frequent when I'm working on a new crop... and I usually am.. ;D

Friday 10/15/2010
McGregor's

Dave from Cupid (new guy)
((his real name is Adam but I refuse to call him that. His middle name is David))

Had an abysmal date with this guy on Friday night, which prompts me to make the following announcement.
DO NOT TALK ABOUT ANY OF THESE SUBJECTS ON A FIRST DATE:
a) your marriage that lasted a day. Honestly... the subject of previous relationships is always off limits on a first date. Don't even go there.

b) the women you've slept with in the past, including a girl I went to school with who was a stripper at Klassy Kat. You had little enough chance of getting in my pants but you just sealed the deal. Have fun with your hand tonight.

c) how much money you make. I'm not impressed. I don't care. It's not like you're giving me any of that money and until you do hearing about it does me no good. In fact it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with you that you cover it up with $$$...?

d) the time you tried experimenting with toys and you liked it. Let me tell you when would be a more appropriate time/place for you to tell me about this... NEVER.

My misguided, clearly socially retarded date thinks things went well and is asking me to dinner now. It amazes me that people like this are walking the earth.

predictable and boring.

ur gorgeous

[12:45:56 pm]leeloo913:thanks

[12:46:46 pm]Thisisandy_AIM:ur welcome

[12:46:49 pm]Thisisandy_AIM:how's it going?

[12:47:41 pm]leeloo913:good. at work.

[12:48:00 pm]Thisisandy_AIM:wellhope ur not working too hard

[12:48:11 pm]leeloo913:on lunch for a little bit

[12:48:43 pm]Thisisandy_AIM:ahh gotcha

[12:48:52 pm]Thisisandy_AIM:well u look great..and ya seem fun...maybe we can talk another time

[12:49:48 pm]leeloo913:ok

[12:49:50 pm]leeloo913:sure

[12:52:42 pm]Thisisandy_AIM:have a good one

[12:53:33 pm]Thisisandy_AIM:ooh new pics...ur a cutie

budman7600:Your very pretty! I like your new photo. How are you today?

[12:50:02 pm]budman7600:I have to go run a errand at work really quick and we get booted off here at 1pm. So if your interested in talking drop me an IM if you have them. jcas750047 aol/aim/fb budman76002002 yahoo

[12:50:33 pm]leeloo913:i dont do that

[12:50:45 pm]budman7600:dont do what?

[12:50:49 pm]leeloo913:aim

[12:50:55 pm]leeloo913:aol

[12:50:58 pm]budman7600:or yahoo?

[12:51:13 pm]leeloo913:no i dont IM in general usually.

[12:51:25 pm]leeloo913:seems like you have a bit of a one track mind from your profile

[12:51:28 pm]budman7600:i gotchya. well i would talk to you on here but its blocked after 1pm

[12:51:31 pm]leeloo913:i'm not really interested in hooking up

[12:52:06 pm]budman7600:ok? well thats not what im looking for, but ok. I dont know how i was one tracked in my profile but to each their own. have a great day and good luck in your search :)

[12:52:45 pm]leeloo913:you should probably edit your profile then. it's all abotu sex. and says you're looking for casual sex.

[12:52:48 pm]budman7600:well I gotta go if you decide that maybe you cant judge a person by a profile and feel like talking you have my contacts. 585*^&*-7993 Jerod

[12:52:59 pm]leeloo913:haha i'm judging you by your words bud.

[12:53:06 pm]budman7600:im not looking for casual sex just not against it. i havent had sex since 2008

[12:53:20 pm]budman7600:well i gotta go ttyl i guess.


NO.... NO YOU WON'T

hi sexy

[12:35:21 pm]leeloo913:that's not my name

[12:35:37 pm]sunsunny4u:that how u look

[12:35:38 pm]sunsunny4u:love

[12:36:36 pm]sunsunny4u:whas u name\


classiest opening line i've ever gotten:

[12:57:56 pm]bjahhh:Have you ever been rimmed before?

beauty is in the eye of...

Email I got today from Cupid. I don't know how I feel about this... On the one hand, it's nice that my stunning good looks are being recognized ;D On the other.... who is making these determinations? Why was I being shown ugly people before while there is a supposed hidden stockpile of attractive people tucked away from the uglies' sight?? I find this offensive and discriminatory. But my beauty puts me on the winning side (as usual) so who am I to argue...





leeloo913 = good-looking

leeloo913:
We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know.

How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver.

. . .
Your new elite status comes with one important privilege:

You will now see more attractive people in your match results. This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results.

. . .
Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see.

seriously...

subject: wanna chat

[11:54:33 am]leeloo913:ur in India?

[11:57:55 am]kannu000:yes

[11:58:04 am]kannu000:i am in india

[11:59:35 am]leeloo913:I don't really know what you hope to accomplish by chatting. I would not consider dating someone so far away.

[12:00:13 pm]kannu000:i am not for dating

[12:00:22 pm]kannu000:i am new here

[12:00:29 pm]leeloo913:?? then what are you doing on a DATING website?

[12:01:15 pm]kannu000:i am downloading my softwares ,,so i am here till than downloading is running

New Frog at the Old Toad.

OLD TOAD Pub and Restaurant
10/11/2010

Steve (guy from Cupid)

After a few days of playful conversation online with a new prospect, I decided to allow him to take me out for a drink last night.

The Skinny:
He's 33, lives off Monroe Ave near the Bug Jar (bit dicey...) in a townhouse, and works overnight for Hillside (troubled, badass childrens' center). We match on Cupid 89% based on questions that we answered similarly.

The Good:
-I drove to his place and we walked the 6 blocks to the bar. It was a perfect fall evening with good conversation along the way and he brought an umbrella.
-He paid the bill; my two beers, his beer and a maple bourbon creme brulee that he ordered with 2 spoons. ;)
-We stayed for Trivia Night and he knew quite a few of the answers.
-For whatever reason, we got on topic of past relationships a couple of times. I appreciate that he shared some pretty intense stuff on a first date.

The Bad:
-I got an impression that he may be a bit pervy and was almost going to flake out on the date. He pretty much kept it in check but definitely made some sophomoric jokes and was a little ogley of my lady lumps, which I find obnoxious.
-He's a bit skinny for me. I like a little cushion for my pushin'.
-He drinks gay beer. Raspberry Framboise Ale. His beer was pink for chrissakes. And when I asked him what wine he prefers he said "sweet". UGH. WE are not drinking compatible.
-He doesn't text. Seriously. Does this mean he doesn't like texting? He's too cheap to pay for a plan? IDK but this is clearly a problem for communicating as I despise talking on the phone. (Sidenote: I HATE voicemail. He called me twice to confirm our date and left me a voicemail that was an insanely perfect blend of humor, teasing and salutation!! Very cute.)
-Walking back after the bar I was freezing and had to pee. He let me into his place and had to go "tidy" the bathroom before he let me use it. His place is a typical bachelor pad. MESSY. :P

The Ugly:
HE.TALKS.IN.BABY.TALK.TO.HIS.DOG.


Jury's out. I had a good enough time that I would see him again if he asks, but I wouldn't be terribly disappointed if he doesn't. Good enough for a Monday night date.

UPDATE: Got a message from this guy 4 days later- "So whats happening hotstuff? Up for another trivia time?"
Call me neurotic, but I like it when the guy texts me the day after a date to let me know he had a good time and ask to see me again. 4 days later? Pass.

when you turn over new leaves, you just find old worms.

My prospects seem to have dried up on the old POF - all I'm seeing are faces of guys I've either dated and dismissed already, or guys I have no interest in. I decided to check out OKCupid after a friend recommended it so I created a profile a few days ago. Being that I'm new meat on the market I've gotten plenty of responses already:

HIM: 10/13/2010 3:30pm Hi. Looking for intelligent conversation and general hell-raising near Rochester. Let me know if you're interested.

ME : 10/13/2010 4:30pm I was looking at your profile and trying to guage whether we are a good match or not by comparing our favorite books/music/food/movies... unfortunately you neglected to answer those questions! How will I know if my collection of vampirotica matches up to your reading choices? Or if you watch Japanese Anime movies compulsively while cooking horrific-smelling curry dishes like I do?? Luckily Cupid has done some homework and determined that we match a whopping 90%! How is it possible that destiny has not brought us together sooner?

HIM: 10/14/2010 8:30pm I've always been more partial to Taiwanese Anime. It is like Japanese but with fewer tentacles. But I am with you on the horror stuff. The old slasher films still amuse me. Here's my deal... I got a new job with a company based by Rochester and will be there in about 10 days. Let me know if you would be up for getting a drink or something.

ME: 10/15/2010 8:51am hmmm so you're not actually in Rochester. Starting relationships based on lies...






hi
Oct. 5, 2010 – 12:45pm heyy! Im Dan. I love ur pics. Very sexy. And ur profile seems fun as well. Where around rochester are you from. Im from Irondequoit. Well let me know if you wanna get to know me better

ME: haha did you even look at my profile? I have one picture, my profile is incomplete and I state that I don't like kids.

him: just figured id get a response. Oh And everyone likes my kid!

ME: I don't.

From: Bailey4475 (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: hello Sent Date: 9/15/2010 12:41:54 PM
I read your profile and if u read mine u will see i am brutally honest... so the lies are of no issue here.
we have a lot in common. I like dogs, but have a cat and a boa. your attractive also.
thus let me know if interested, ask what u wish.
xoxo
Paul

a boa. as in a huge snake that wants to kill me.



From: Karmasutrathug1 (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Refreshing. Sent Date: 9/15/2010 11:52:44 AM

A woman that understands and appreciate her self worth. That has to be one of the sexiest thing in a Queen. My name is Andre. I'm the type of man that believe u need Communication,Honesty and Respect to have any type of Successful relationship. Looking to be Mentally Stimulated. Very Romantic,Loyal and a One Woman man. If i was to ask u to tell me something that's not on your profile. Your answer would be?

NO



From: freedomofthought (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: u should be in playboy Sent Date: 9/12/2010 11:03:49 PM

hehe, i know u wont talk to me anyway so ill say something dull minded, haha

not appropriate


From: metalman73 (View Profile) (View All Correspondence)
Subject: You have nice lips Sent Date: 9/11/2010 12:09:18 PM

I'm probably out of your league, but thought I would give it a shot. Take a look at my profile and hopefully talk some.

know what's worse than an ugly dude? an ugly dude with no confidence.

Last weekend I went on a Seneca Wine expedition with friends of mine, which culminated with a trip to Pastry Chef's restaurant in Geneva. I have made a discovery about myself: I have no self control when I see a man doing something he's passionate about. I was sitting there all buzzy from wine tasting, watching Chef prepare my food in the open air kitchen, looking up every so often to wink at me, disappearing around the corner to text me... and the food!!! My god, it was the best meal I've ever eaten... So I did the only logical thing I could think of at the time and initiated a shameless sexting thread that has lasted this week. He is planning a picnic for this Sunday and the anticipation has been killing us both. He caved last night and drove an hour after closing the restaurant to see me. NOT GOOD. I remember why I dismissed him before... he's like a huge, bounding puppy that jumps all over you in excitement and ruins your outfit when you're on the way out. TOOOOOOOOO eager. He was all wide eyed and gropey, smashing his face on me trying to kiss me and literally rubbed my mouth raw with his beard stubble. I literally have a sore, chappy area over my lip. And this was despite my telling him repeatedly that he was hurting me, asking him to ease up, etc. So I told him I was too drunk/tired to continue, pushed him off of me and went to sleep :P now how do I get rid of him? I'm never good with catch and release...

In other news, I had a promising new prospect that seemed nice, good looking, respectable. I met him online. Turns out he's a little TOO respectable. He's a damn youth group leader in his church, he works with developmentally disabled people and he WANTS TO BE A CHRISTIAN RAP STAR. Seriously... I haven't gone on a date yet with him and after finding out all of that... yeah.. idk...

whattup?

Summer is here!! Let's get you caught up, shall we?
Pastry Chef is out! We had a third or maybe fourth date.. don't remember. He came to see me, we watched a movie which he apparently believes is an excuse to paw at me incessantly from the beginning credits through the end. No me gusta. Get the hell off me, pal! He was literally petting me. Rubbing my arm, stroking my hair. ICK Then he says, "which one of us do you think is gonna screw this up?" ummmmm excuse me? What is "this" and why do I need to worry about it being screwed up? Gotta cut this puppy dog loose.
Remember BSE? Or actually BSE until another guy came along and usurped him? He and I talk on occasion and as much as I adore the kid I could never get over the whole I-Was-Trying-To-F*ck-A-Stripper-The-Whole-Time-I-Was-Telling-You-I-Love-You thing. But he's been trying to see me all along and I do actually really love the kid. Well, I met up with a mutual friend who told me he now has a girlfriend- some red headed chick named Jen. Hmmmmm Could this possibly be the Jen that is "just a friend who's moving in to help pay the bills, there's nothing there and I won't let her do it if it makes you feel uncomfortable"? Maybe it's ridiculous for me to have hurt feelings about it since I don't really want to allow myself to be with him anyway, but DAMN. Way to lie to me yet again...
So then there's that kid that I went on one date with and he begged to come over and tittyf*ck me before I was even out of the parking lot... he's been texting me again wanting to get together and it hasn't worked out. He's the kind of guy that'll text me like 12 times for every 1 text I send him, which I totally call him out on. I call him a bugaboo, pest, creeper hahahaa and he still persists. Anyway, he texted me Saturday and was all, what's up, what are you doing today? So I say umm going to Corn Hill Festival, what are you doing? He says, Chilling on my couch. I say WOW lame? He says, you should join me, wouldn't be lame then. I said, yeah it would bc you'd still be there. HAHAHAAHAHAHA I go to the festival and am there maybe 10 minutes and he texts me again, had a great lunch date, good luck to you. So I text him back, eh? He says, I gibe up trying to meet you. I met someone else. Bye. I text him, ur ridiculous. But that's great for you-finally found someone that appreciates your sophomoric humor and couch dates. good luck with that! hahahahahahha a bit mean? perhaps. But whatever, he had it coming. And that was his text misspelling "gibe" not my typo.
So at the festival and I'm walking around hoping not to run into any ghosts. At the wine tasting area and I hear this grossly obnoxious man yelling WINE, WHO WANTS WINE GET YOUR TICKETS FOR WIIIIIIIINE. I turn and it's none other than Jeff, that short, bald guy I dated for 2 seconds right after my ex and I split. He's the guy that lied to me about his age, said he was 32 but he's really like 40? And he said he didn't have kids but when I went to his apartment he has pictures of kids all over his fridge and I was all, what the hell?? He totally saw me but I avoided avoided avoided and luckily ducked talking to him. Loser.
Never heard again from Mike, aka Frankentoe. I thought I saw him walking out of Gitzi's on Monroe and was all boohoo for a second. Here's the thing about Mike; I may walk around all I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, I WANT TO BE FREE but there are actually times when it's really nice to feel like you're "with someone". Like at night time when you're feeling kind of alone and just wanted Paranormal Activity for the second time even though you were terrified by it the first time and swore you'd never watch it again. Or Thanksgiving. And I kinda had that feeling with Mike. He would come over and make me brunch, pick me up and take me places... I think I just need a staff at my house. A butler. A chauffeur. A maid!! I definitely need a maid. And a pool boy. And a cook. This is getting expensive.. Maybe I'll just have a civil union and get myself a wife.

bad pennies

Talking to my cutey pie pastry chef tonight (had two dates so far, one of which was last Sunday when he came up for a bbq), and he's telling me about the family barbecue that he went to on Monday. He had mentioned before that his family are all law-affiliated in some way; policemen, judges, military, etc. So he mentions that his cousin's douche canoe bf would probably be there and how he's always sucking up to the family and acting like such a kiss-ass. Oh and his name is Ryan, he's RPD.
"Ryan F....?" I ask. "ummm... maybe.. really tall kid, goofy looking", he says, "been dating my cousin about 6 months now". "REALLY... well if it's the tall, goofy looking Ryan I know from RPD, I've been out with him and that was LESS than 6 months ago."
I whip out my phone and show him a pic. What do ya know... it's the same officer that brought me my coffee (see earlier post). Nice.
Continuing on... Pastry Chef changes the subject and starts to tell me about how intimidating his grandfather is and how his other cousin was all nervous to introduce her new boyfriend to him. Apparently the kid walks right up to grandpa, sticks out his hand and says "hi I'm A's bf Rick R..." and I stop him right there. "Rick R???? From Seneca Falls?"
He says,"ummm yup, that's him, let me guess you know him too?"
hahahaha yup. I tell him we went out briefly almost two years ago, just a couple of dates until I found out he WAS MARRIED. GRRRRRRRRR

The twist to this story? Pastry Chef asked me to come to this party. Asked me like 5 times if I would come with him... can you imagine?! Run ins with not one but TWO ex-dbags?! Talk about dodging a bullet.

so i've just been dumped by someone that i did truly think was a nice guy. whenever this happens i like to weigh the positives and negatives about that person (with extra emphasis on the negatives because ummm hello, his bastard ass just dumped me, let's not sit here pining over him).

i say he dumped me but who really knows. we had plans to go to a baseball game last thursday night. he was meeting me there after work so i left his ticket and parking pass under his name. i get a text at 8:15 saying he had a crappy day and is just going home. sorry. i text him back "feel better". get home later in the evening and he's logged onto POF. interesting.....

couple days go by and i don't hear from him. i texted him saturday, "hey, hope you're well, have a good weekend." nothing. nothing for a few more days and then i go online and see him all over facebook, adding friends, he's on POF, etc.
so i message him "glad to see you're alive, although this means you've been blowing me off. didn't think you were that kind of guy. thanks"
nothing. no response at all.
i have some theories. done with me but too much of a chicken shit to tell me? possibly. more likely (and i know guys pull this shit bc it's been done to me twice) he's been seeing someone else and trying to trail me along just in case the new piece doesn't work out. either way, i have no time for some bullshit pansy ass who can't be honest. peace out cubscout.

the cons:

out of shape, particularly in the bubble butt/spare tire area

has a suspiciously green toenail (thus i named him frankentoe)

teeny weeny eeny meeny shriveled little... you get the picture. half the time couldn't even get it in without it flopping back out. like a dead earthworm. too graphic?

made a face like sloth from the goonies when we were getting down to business. NOT attractive in the least. SLOTH LOVES CHUNK

ghetto ass ride. usually i don't care about things like cars or possessions but he would pick me up in the clunker and i'd shudder. it always smelled like wet dog too...

speaking of smells, P.U. why do guys think it's ok to try and put their sweaty ball funk all in your face? take a shower, scrub up, trim the bushes and then come talk to me.

now i know what you're thinking. why did you go out with this guy? ick!! Frankentoe??! and i know! i hear ya! but he was soooooooooo sweet to me. i really did think he was different... silly me. the next 5 will pay.

fb chat with a guy i was seeing who is now trying to get with a friend of mine

Steve: hola Lisa
4:59pm Me: hi
4:59pm Steve: how are you
5:00pm Me: i'm good kind of how are you?
5:00pm Steve: hot and bored why kind of
5:00pm Me: car stuff, house stuff.. the usual ur always bored. maybe you're BORING
5:00pm Steve: ahhh ok well I hope all is well for you yeah but now I am in a hotel in texas and dont know the area so im really bored
5:01pm Me: lol car is shot. turbo is blown waiting for parts to get it fixed
house is under construction. always
stresses me out
but it's all good

5:02pm Steve: ok well on that note how is everything else
5:02pm Me: my friend karla said you were in texas. lol was hanging with her last night and she mentioned you i was like yeah... i know him

5:02pm Steve: oooo sorry
5:02pm Me: for what?
5:02pm Steve: did you tell her the whole story ??
5:03pm Me: what story? do we have a story?
5:03pm Steve: lol I guess not l
5:03pm Me: she was showing me her inbox on pof bc i suggested it to her/saw your picture and i was like...awkward..that picture is in a hotel room i paid for, i was in the other room either getting dressed or undresed from my work holiday party
5:05pm Steve: sorry about that. yeah im only on there now for freinds now cause I will be leaving soon and dont know if im ever comming back but oh well
5:07pm Steve: I know that I did treated you poorly and I shouldnt have but If I come home Ill make up for it.
5:08pm Me: no worries. i'm not too big on second chances. where ya going?
5:09pm Steve: afghanistan, and Im not talking about a second chance just something to finally thank you for how you did treat me
5:09pm Me: how's that?
5:10pm Steve: what do you mean hows that
5:11pm Me: i don't know what you think you need to thank me for. i was interested in you, we went on some dates, had a nice time. didn't work out. i was nice to you when we were seeing each other, i would have been to anyone i see... sorry to hear you're going. i thought you were done
5:13pm Steve: ok fine I was just trying to show you how thankful I am to have met you. and I am going back as a contractor.
5:15pm Me: sorry to hear
5:30pmSteve is offline.

hahahahaha jackass

happy hump day!

Hose22 Restaurant/Bar
04/07
New guy from POF

Ok so I met up with a new guy last night at the bar. He got there a couple of minutes before me and we convened in the parking lot, walked in together. I made reservations and picked the place (and it’s a good thing because even though it was pouring and a Wednesday night the place was bumping and there was a LONG wait for a table). First impression (would I bang him?) is a solid 50/50 shot. He’s cute but not crazy handsome… the height is eh… he’s 5’8” so if I have heels on (which I ALWAYS do) I’m taller than him. I can work with it though I prefer taller men.
We got right in, led to a table immediately and ordered beers (I got the rohrbach scotch ale and he ordered the same based on my recommendation). We talked for a bit, perused the menu – good rapport… he’s 33 has his own house in Irondequoit (his mortgage is $1100 and he lives near the high school), he’s some kind of HR manager for a small business in penfield, never married, no kids… Italian and German….
The service at the restaurant was a little sporadic. When the server took our order it was already time for another round and then it took awhile for the food to come. The second beers were brought over by the night manager who explained that the kitchen was backed up (the server came by after and said they had lost the ticket and apologized profusely), the manager comped our second drink and also apologized profusely. No issue. We had beers and good banter so we were happy. And I really liked that he didn’t get all douchey about the service – says a lot about a guy that treats waitstaff well I think… we both got burgers and they were excellent. More talk and banter, we finished eating and went to the bar for a third beer for him and a water for me. That third beer turned him a little cheeky and he kept making little comments about me being a heartbreaker and how he’s in trouble, etc etc how hot I am, he loved my sundress and shoes, yadda yadda. He got up and went to the bathroom and when he came back I was talking to the bartender who had been hitting on me so that was a tad awkward…. But we left soon after and he walked me to the car, a kiss goodnight and we parted ways.
He texted me about a half hour later that he had a great time and wants to see me again soon, I’m a firecracker, etc etc. so…. We’ll see. I would see him again. I like him so far. :D overall a good first date.

Put your foulest features on display- be the king of topsy turvy day.

Hose22 Bar
04/03/2010
Quasimoto - set up by a "friend" via facebook

Perhaps I had romanticized dating someone ugly - I would not want to consider myself shallow and while I do not always go for the best looking guys there is always some basis for attraction.. usually the guy can make me laugh, or is rich... hahaa Look at beauty and the beast, the hunchback of notre dame - ugly exteriors masked the inner attractive qualities. In that vein I accepted a date that was set up by a friend of mine after a co-worker of his saw me on facebook. I checked him out of course beforehand and was not thrilled with the physical but after some decent conversation and pleading on his part, I relented and agreed to meet him for a date.
He at least gets props for picking a super cool place - this firestation down in Charlotte that was converted into a bar. Lots of character, great draught beers and yummy food. Plus it was such a nice day out for it!

We met up around 7pm. Instant assessment of whether or not I'd let him hit it? NOPE. No dice. Not cute. I probably should've walked away then... but since I'd gotten all prettied up, we headed to the bar. He ordered a Labatt blue light. In the bottle. I ordered a proper beer - Rohrbach's Scotch Ale, tall draught. He paid.
He took the first sip of beer and a huge wad of spit dropped off his lip when he pulled it away from his mouth. I seriously had to hold back a wretch. I sound mean, I know.

Awkward conversation all through dinner because he has this tiny little mouth - I seriously do think he is a tad deformed- and he mumbles when he speaks. The entire night I was saying eh? Pardon? what was that? and he took forever to eat anything with that little baby mouth AND he nursed his beer. I had two and was feeling a little tipsy so we went to the downstairs bar after dinner to free up our table and get waters. But he ordered another beer. Half an hour later he finally finished it and walked me to my car. Hug goodnight and I was outta there. Poor Quasi :( I feel bad, I do... i shouldn't have agreed on the date. Now what do i do? Avoid his texts, thank him for the dinner and offer to hang out again as "friends" to make his chances known? ugh

04/04 10:26pm whatcha doin? it's jay. watchin a movie. feel like comin over n cuddling up w me? (whiny jay!!! back again!!!)

my response: lol i haven't seen you in how long? maybe we could meet up for a drink or something... not just hop into bed...?

didn't hear anything back from him. jackass. hahaha

So then this morning I get a text from one of my tail-chasing bastard men that has a girlfriend but is still sniffing around me. I saw last week on Facebook that he asked his gf to move in with him. The text this morning "ur on my mind" so I say "do you really think it's a good idea to move in with your gf?" and he says "sure, why not?" so i say, "ummm idk maybe because you spend all your free time trying to F other women??" he says "hahahah shhhhhhhh. maybe it will stop when we live together".

see this is yet another reason why i hate men. for the longest time he was whining that he wanted to be in a serious relationship (back when we were dating). now he actually has one and he is obsessed with trying to stick it someplace else. shit show.

Knuckles bar in Chili
04/02/2010
Guy from pof - Dave

Last night I had a date with this guy I have been talking to for the last week on POF. He’s 32, works in shipping and receiving, has his own place, no kids and loves dogs. Sounds great right? He’s been texting me all week, princess this and honey that – coming on a little strong but whatevs, I figured he had earned a shot.

So Friday comes – the day of our date – and he’s texting me all day, “am I picking you up? Where do you want to go? Can’t wait to meet you” yadda yadda yadda. I get out of work and go to my bestie’s house for a pre-date warm up, have a couple of gin and tonics, some appetizers, some laughs and hockey with her family… it comes time for me to leave to meet my date and I don’t wanna go :P but the place we’re meeting is literally 2 mins away so I zip over, find a place to park and start walking in. He was waiting outside for me and saw me pull in so he comes bounding up like a puppy across the parking lot. And I instantly know I will never have sex with him. Ya just know. At least, I do anyway. He’s wearing knee length dark blue denim shorts, bright white brand new sneakers and a Hawaiian shirt with pinup girls all over it. And a huge grin from ear to ear that doesn’t leave his face for the remainder of the date.

Did I mention he doesn’t drink?? Ugh. So we go in the bar and it’s like every bar in America that I hate – big tv screens all over the place with UFC on, muscley guys in tight t-shirts pounding jagerbombs, and skinny tanned bartenders in tight tank tops and miniskirts. He had a water, I ordered a gin and tonic (I never mix booze if I can possibly help it) and we try to make it through some awkward first date conversation which is damn near impossible because the place is SOOOOOO loud and distracting. He starts talking about football and I say I prefer hockey, baseball and boxing. He says his tv is on the NHL channel 24/7 and his ex used to bitch nonstop about wanting to watch something else. Not looking good… after about 45 mins I ask if we can go outside because I’m sick of the loud bar. We sit outside, start talking about our puppies and I don’t remember how but kids come up. I say I don’t really like kids and I’m not sure when I’ll have them, if ever. He literally stands up and says, “well I’m sorry. It was really nice meeting you though”. Seriously. So I’m like, “ummmmm ok…? Do you think you could walk me to my car?” A quick hug goodnight, I thanked him for the drink and I was back to my bestie’s in under an hour.

The texts I got from him about a half hour later:
I’m sorry… I know im a jerk but I want babies sooner than later, plus and please don’t take this the wrong way. But my X wife hated all those things about me and I just think I would drive u crazy & I spent most of the past 3 years feeling like I had to act like someone other than myself. I AM VERY SORRY.

Then:
I think you are so pretty and felt we had good chemistry. I just wanted to be fair to you when I realized that the couple things were big things ya know….

And then:
Seriously…you’re a great girl. If I didn’t honestly think that I wouldn’t try to explain…id just have left things where they were. I pray you find a dood guy

I can only assume he meant “good guy”. Ok so on the one hand, kudos to him for knowing what he wants and sticking to his guns but on the other…. Seriously?! It’s our first date and you disqualify me because I don’t want to have babies immediately with you? He literally said he wants “babies tomorrow”. Where do these crazy ass men come from? Oh and the kicker!!! He’s 37!!!! LIAR!! I had this feeling he was older because he has all these Patrick Swayze crows’ feet around his eyes so I flat out asked him and he said 37. Ass. No wonder his biological clock is ticking.

Tonight I have a date with a guy named Kevin, but he has a strong resemblance to Quasimodo in his facebook pics so we’ll call him that henceforth. Quasi saw me on a friend’s facebook page and asked to be set up. For the last couple of months I’ve said no but I finally relented because he actually does seem like a nice guy (famous last words). He at least gets props for picking a cool place – in Charlotte there is this old fire station they converted it into a bar. Can’t wait to check it out. I’ll let you know what happens :P

Zebbs
03/31/2010
Brian – a hockey player from pof

This guy Brian and I have been talking intermittently for probably the last 8 months or so. He’s asked me out a few times but we’ve never really been able to meet up. We finally both had a free night and decided to go for drinks this week. We’ve always exchanged flirty texts and I actually had been dating his roommate (also a hockey player) briefly last year.

I get to the bar first but he was on his way so no worries. I order a beer and wait a few minutes for him. He comes in all cocky, walks up and stands next to me. I’m like, “ummm did you want to sit down? Get a drink?” He’s hungry, he wants a table. Ok…. So I close out my tab (he doesn’t pay for my beer grrrrr) and we head over to get a table. We sit across from each other and I’m checkin him out. The guy is CUUUUUUUUUUTE. Tall, dark, handsome and confident. It lures me in every time. He’s also a dick and I get the vibe that he’s not really into me. We talk, order food (he doesn’t drink!!!???), and after about an hour I’m dying to hit the bricks because I just feel like we’re not clicking and the situation is annoying me. He walks me almost all the way to my car, gives me a hug goodbye and we part ways. He did pay for dinner so I thanked him of course. I get home and I’m getting ready for bed when

he texts me:
It was really nice to meet you finally, we should do it again soon. But next time I won’t be on my best behavior and you’re getting more than a hug goodbye.

Huh???? So I text him back “it was nice meeting you too. I’m confused though, I really didn’t think you liked me… at all” So he texts back that it wasn’t the case, he was tired from being on the ice for three hours and he was trying to behave like a gentleman, sorry to give off a vibe that he wasn’t into me, etc etc.
I will never understand men. I do have an inkling that this one is trouble though and I’ll be keeping him at arm’s length.

the highs and the lows

Yesterday on my way into work I blew out my idler pulley and shredded my alternator belt. You can't drive without it. Lukily I have roadside assistance with my insurance so half an hour of "woe is me" later my cutie pie knight in shining armour showed up to tow me back the two blocks back to my house. But for awhile there I was definitely having an "I'm gonna die alone!!! BOHOHOOHOOOOOO" moment. btw a friend put that in perspective for me later "you're gonna die alone? two blocks from your house? it was 40 degrees out this morning!!"

Texted one of my favorite minions (favorite because he likes me so much he works on my car for free and I don't even have to put out) and he went over on his lunch break with a new belt and took care of it!! Then he called the dealer, got the other part I needed put aside for me and came back over last night to finish the job. His texts:

03/17/2010 1:29pm - you're gonna need a bearing. i'll call the dealer and find out how much/how long but don't drive it unnecessarily until i can get back over there to finish it. the inside of your car smells so F-ing good! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm smells like your perfume. gave me a boner when i opened the door. really. you know how hard it is to fix a car with a hard on?

hahahahahaha you kind of have to love men, don't you? we've never even so much as kissed because even though i think he's crazy hot, he's one of those gym rat types that works out 2 hours a day and eats nothing but boiled chicken. not that i'm terribly self conscious about my body or whatever but it shows that i haven't been as good about hitting the gym and i just feel all soft and doughy around him :P i can't imagine what an elephant i'd feel like nekkid with mr hardbody there.... so i told him all that last month when he was chasing me hard core and he totally doesn't get it. he's like, "you're hot and sexy as hell. i'd kill for a shot." but no.... idk.... we'll see. ;)

THEN frankentoe was texting me last night. he's away on vacation through the weekend and he wanted to check in i guess (probably because he saw hardbody commenting on my fb page) so i told him about my day with the car nonsense and asked about his trip. he says, "great so far! playing golf and strip clubs tomorrow".
now i don't want to be a bitch here but was it really necessary to tell me that? i realize it's probably a bit hypocritical of me to be jealous of some booby-shaking when i was lusting after my mechanic all day and of course there's the whole I SEE OTHER GUYS thing but idk... i'm a bit jealous. which i never am. so i'm trying to talk myself down from the crazy shelf (it's not a ledge yet, i'm not THAT jealous). Is it bothering me because he's away with a bunch of marines all hopped up on beer and testosterone, going to ogle (or worse) a bunch of perfect bodied women on his birthday (and god knows what strippers give as birthday gifts ugh). and what about the after effects if he somehow manages NOT to bang a stripper - it's not like i'm there to take care of whatever pops up - is he gonna find himself in the clutches of some marine groupie that's barnacled onto the base in hopes of ridin a man in uniform? Not that I'm judging those girls. The uniform is hot, i totally get it. I'm just sayin... while it's perfectly ok for me to call up one of my usual suspects to come drown my sorrows this saturday night (which would have been my 11 year anniversary with my ex - i can't even discuss it but it probably led to my "dying alone" meltdown and my stupid stripper insecurity) i don't want him hooking up with some vacation pootay. :(
insane? a bit. do i care? not a bit.
So i texted back, "sounds good have fun"
and he texted me "how about you? you having any fun?"

I didn't reply. I don't know if he means PG fun or drowning my sorrows with younger boys fun. besides, i'm a bit bent about his plans for today so he can wonder why i didn't answer. should he think of it when he's ears deep in fake tits...

BEST OF THE WORST: POF EMAILS

From: B9Bandit
Subject: hello Sent Date: 3/24/2010 11:44:20 AM
How do you feel about BDSM?
WOW....REALLY??? THIS IS HIS OPENER?



From: aceoner81
Subject: hi there Sent Date: 3/18/2010 8:06:19 PM
just qanted to say hi and see if we could talk sometime


From: IrishMale29
Subject: lips Sent Date: 3/18/2010 10:11:28 PM
whoa nice lips...not saying that to pick you up


From: Mikaveli_2010
Subject: HeY whats up! Sent Date: 3/12/2010 4:44:59 PM
You dont look that smart but I think i could be wrong. I never know. Alot of girls can be boring. Hoepfully you will prove me wrong.

From: leeloo
Subject: RE:HeY whats up! Sent Date: 3/13/2010 11:08:00 PM
wow. I work for $&%(&*$(%&*%(@^ as an insurance specialist in a $*%)$*% office. I attend the U of R in my spare time for fun. I own my house and car. I'm not really sure why you thought insulting me would be a good opener, but good luck with that. Maybe it will work on a girl that's less "smart".

From: Mikaveli_2010
Subject: RE:RE:HeY whats up! Sent Date: 3/13/2010 11:11:10 PM
I m sorry. i use multiple openers keep it stimulating. I didnt mean to insult you. My apoligies.
Reply


From: brand31
Subject: Brandon Sent Date: 3/1/2010 8:09:38 PM
Love your profile and pics.Seems like we have similar interests so lets get to know each other.
Reply

From: leeloo
Subject: RE:Brandon Sent Date: 3/4/2010 11:52:20 AM
hey there... so i'm checking out your profile and i'm not sure what we have in common... you don't drink, you have kids? Maybe I need to hear more about you.


From: brand31
Subject: RE:RE:Brandon Sent Date: 3/4/2010 5:36:03 PM
Well I have one son and he is nine so raising him has been priorty #1.Have my own buisness and focusing on career #2.Have someone beautiful, fun, and loyal in my life next so you caught my eye. As for drinking I would its just not something that important to me.I know how to treat a lady and can be funny so what do you think, interested?


From: jw91183
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 3/14/2010 9:08:40 PM
Whats up sexy?


From: webweb
Subject: RE:RE:You still single? Sent Date: 2/26/2010 12:33:48 PM
Look who's online :) I'm snowed in too. So you're still looking for Mr. Right? I have been dating and haven't found the right person yet. I was always upfront and honest, maybe you weren't used to guys being that way with you (rubbed you the wrong way). I'm still surprised you wouldn't even talk to me though. Hollar
-Bob

From: leeloo
Subject: RE:You still single? Sent Date: 2/26/2010 12:26:42 PM
don't know. you rubbed me the wrong way one too many times i guess. what's up with you?

From: daveyboy2620
Subject: :) Sent Date: 3/16/2010 12:55:07 AM
Hello, I'm Dave..Wouldnt a wine tour make a perfect first date
UMM LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.... YOU WANNA GET ME LOADED AND IN A SECLUDED AREA WITH YOU ON THE 1ST DATE?? YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.

From: sparky2642
Subject: hello! Sent Date: 3/15/2010 11:25:34 PM
I love kissing! anyways, I guess i'm a dying breed but I live to make other people happy! and yet i'm still searching for the special someone for me to cherish and spoil the rest of my life! If your open to a new friendship, then lets talk! who knows, maybe it will turn in to something special!

Larry

WOW CREEPER!!! SLOW YOUR ROLL




From: SickofGamesYa has been deleted (View Profile)
Subject: RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 3/12/2010 10:16:57 AM
Just giving this a try, so sick of games and nonsense.Women who claim they are laid back and reasonable, then by the second date they turn into an issue laden, controlling, bitter betty


From: Mudacris
Subject: hey you! Sent Date: 3/12/2010 12:25:13 AM
Come to Buffalo so I don't have to be single anymore.

whose bed have your boots been under?

Why why why in this technological world do people leave a trail of evidence to their lying, cheating, two-timin, no good evil deeds??

Exhibit A:
01/09/2010 I’m single now and still can’t get you? (SMcC)
Actually douche-face you’re not single according to Facebook where you are listed at ENGAGED.
When confronted with his douchebaggery:
1/20/2010 You’re engaged?? (me)
1/20/2010 Yeah its complicated but if your talking about facebook I haven’t been on there in forever (SMcC)
1/20/2010 really… is that what your fiance would say? That it’s complicated? You’re a liar and an asshole. (me)

Exhibit B:
From one of my best gf’s scumbag, piece of shit bf.
2/19/2010 It was VERY nice seeing you. U looked very pretty as always
2/26/2010 I would have cum and shoveled u out!
2/27/2010 you gotta add me to facebook so I can c yer pics
2/27/2010 I won’t tell
2/27/2010 FWB babe @ btw yer pic is smoking
2/27/2010 that’s fine. I’ve been crazy bout ya since I first saw ya
3/4/2010 everytime I’m around u I acted crazy

Exhibit C:
From a former bf who is now “so in love with my amazing gf” according to his fb status.
2/8/2010 she is super cute n awesome. Thanks!
2/15/2010 just thinking of ya., wanted to say hi n good morning
2/15/2010 aww happy vday to u too. Have the girls been naughty?  (the girls meaning my tits)
2/15/2010 maybe we can work out a deal 
2/15/2010 with this year alarm monitoring. i wanna see them
2/15/2010 I wanna see some pics. U know me
2/15/2010 sex is a month’s payment
2/15/2010 she wouldn’t like it 
2/15/2010 when u free?
2/19/2010 will u fuck me
2/19/2010 I want pics please
2/19/2010 please please please I wanna see your P
3/5/2010 when r u gonna put them in my face?
3/8/2010 i wanna rape u..lol not gonna lie
3/13/2010 wanna do a 3some w me
3/13/2010 me u n her

Exhibit D:
An unrequited love. He has a girlfriend too.
2/16/2010 we should arrange a play date sometime, still thinking about that
2/18/2010 that took you awhile. I figured you weren’t interested anymore
2/18/2010 well I’ve been thinking about you lately, thought I’d see where things stood
2/18/2010 I want to take you up on it (finally)
2/18/2010 yes still living with her. Not married yet.
2/18/2010 I want to take advantage of the opportunities I’ve passed over previously, you’re first on my list
2/18/2010 you’re first and last. It depends on you how long we wind up being together

38 not-so-special

03/05/2010 Salena’s Mexican Restaurant, Facebook Set-Up

The other day I received an email message from a great gf of mine mentioning that a friend of hers saw my picture on facebook and wants to meet me, would I be interested?

I checked out his pics, friend requested him and we set up a drinks/dinner thing for Friday night for the four of us (me, him, my friend and her husband) I had to go home after work to let the bebes out and change so I was planning on arriving fashionably late. I get there about 15 minutes late and am the first one there. Strike one. I’m sitting alone at the bar waiting. I get a table and they arrive maybe 15 minutes later. We order drinks, sit through several awkward attempts at conversation and eat our food. He keeps suggesting other places to go after and I keep planning my escape. The bill comes and it’s split among the three of us – not even an offer to pay. Strike two. Fucking $60 dollars I was NOT planning on spending later… we’re on our way for coffee and dessert at Spot. More awkward conversation, more of me checking the time and wanting to get home, get out of my work clothes and into a cold frosty beer on my couch.

Back at my car he says, “I had a really great time and I would love to get to know you better. Let’s do this again soon?”

I’m not even home and he’s texting me. UGH.

Maybe I’ve been on too many dates and that may have made me a tad bitter. Here’s the thing:
a) When you seek out a girl, ask her friend to set you up and ask her to meet you out for drinks and dinner YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PAY!!!! Your ass is 38 years old and you don’t know that?!
b) Unless you are a doctor or your mother is on her deathbed you do NOT answer your phone on a date. Seriously.
c) DON’T BE LATE. I would think this would be a no-brainer but apparently not so much…
d) Comments about your ex being a psycho, grumpy, passive aggressive, controlling, etc. are generally not appropriate. Let’s keep those to ourselves, shall we?

it's alive, it's alive!!

So I’ve been a bit busy for the last month or two because I met a guy!! Awwwww. So sweet. But you must’ve known it couldn’t last. Pull up a chair, mix a dirrrty martini and lemme tell you all about it.

Met this guy online. We’d been trying to get together since before the holidays but it never seemed to work out. Finally decide to meet up one night and we pick a bar on the main stretch for about 7pm. Well it just so happened that I had an ungodly day at work and by 5pm I was dying for a drink and bitchfest with my best girlfriend. We met up at Scotch and Sirloin (excellent draught beer selection and they have a HUGE fireplace in the bar that is roasty toasty warm on these cold winter nights) for a quick one. One turned into two and then this table of older men ordered us a third round and BAM we’re drunk. HAHAHA By this point I am sure as shit not hauling my cookies out in the cold and to another bar so I text my date and ask him to come meet me up where we were. In the meantime my bestie is texting her man to come have dinner with her. My date comes and HOW CUTE IS HE?? Shy, adorable, too-tight pants on his little ghetto booty. Hahaha Bestie’s man comes and we decide to mosey on down the road to another pub for some supper, the four of us. Fabulous time, good food and beers, he picked up my tab and walked me to my car. Asked for a second date, texted me that evening that he had a great time. Sweet sweet sweet.

We went out a couple more times and then I decided we needed to have the talk. Lately men I’ve been seeing make this ridiculous assumption that I am only seeing them. This of course leads to hurt feelings and a bunch of drama so I put it right out there from the get-go. I see other boys.

Fast forward a few weeks and things are nice between us – we have a great time, lots of fun together and he’s a gentleman when it counts. One night we have plans to go to a friend’s house for dinner and I offer to pick him up. I arrive on time but he’s just gotten out of the shower and is running around in shorts and a tshirt ironing his pants. And ya know how when something is “off” somehow your eye is attracted right to the freak thing… the freak thing was his toe. He has the biggest, greenest toenail I have ever seen. It’s a Frankenstein toe. Not in the sense that he hacked it off a dead corpse and grafted it onto his foot although that’s what it looks like… I was stupefied. All these questions flew into my head. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! Did he hurt it? Is it a fungus? (which btw I cannot talk about without making a really gross gagging noise so just pretend you hear that when you read this) How do you have something like that going on?? Does he think this is ok? Why is he letting me see the Frankentoe?!

But of course I said nothing. Because if you had a Frankentoe wouldn’t you be self-conscious about it? I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or draw attention to something embarrassing. But frankly I was horrified. And grossed out. So while I was debating breaking up with him (yes, over the Frankentoe – I’m telling you, you had to see this thing to fully understand), I saw him a couple more times for a hockey game, a dinner, etc and the kid is SO NICE and fun!! Could I really let a little thing like a Frankentoe come between us? And then I saw it again. UGH. I don’t want that thing in my shower. I don’t want it in my bed ! And here’s the thing: it’s not even so much that he has a gross gangrenous toe, but what that toe represents! Poor hygiene? Does he let things like that fester? What else is gonna crop up?? EWWWWW

So we hung out another time just as friends and I saw the toe for the third time – no nail! It fell off!! HE HURT IT!!! It was not gangrene or fungus (gag gag gag)!!

So then I get a text from him the other day, “hey I’ve been meaning to tell you something and I should’ve brought it up sooner but it’s kind of embarrassing”. OMG now what?!?! So I’m all, “no worries, what’s up?” and I’m thinking jesus tap dancing Christ what the hell is wrong with him now?? Get this: he has this reflex problem where he punches people when they try to wake him up. He wanted to tell me because one of the nights previously when we were hanging out he was falling asleep on the couch to a movie and he jumped up real quick to leave. I thought it was strange at the time, but turns out it was because he was afraid he was going to punch me. Awww sweet sweet sweet again! He's in the running, ya'll. ;)