the minions

minion (n.)

1. An obsequious follower or dependent; a sycophant.
2. A subordinate official, especially a servile one.
   

The General aka SB: kinda cute kid i was talking to about this time last year, he didn't impress me that much obviously... but he's back and did i mention he's a gd GENERAL CONTRACTOR??? where was i on that one??? i have plans for him.... and my house... lol cons: definitely a simple guy - there will be no stimulating deep conversations with him, teeny weeny :( and he does this really annoyingly persistant whine when he's fixated on something until i either give in or tell him to shut the hell up and leave me alone. blech.

Fez aka DB: cute guy i just met - awesome, goofy sense of humor, speaks fluent French "oui!!" has his own hair salon. the kisses are delish and apparently he can cook. pros: ummmm my very own hair stylist?? yes please. cons: upon scanning his fb page, it appears that he may have been engaged and living in vegas only 2 months ago???? REBOUND. i'm gonna get to the bottom of this one... possibly a player... and he told me not to wash my hair every day... yick. and he's on the short side - only an inch or so taller than me.

Devon aka DS: met this cutie pie through a friend, had a great first date although i "intimidate" him... pros: he's a tall one!! packs a big gun ;) very mellow, no drama cons: lives FAR away, stupid job, big ole pothead

The Fireman: stinky large fella that wants to touch the booty. He can't, which makes him act out occasionally. But he has a lotta dough and likes to "take care of" a lady. Expensive dinners, drinks, security systems, shopping sprees.... He's been good to me but needs to be reminded of his boundaries.

Scary Spice aka NA: total goofball guy with a LOT of piercings, is a cook in a bar so... really... where am i goin with that.... awwww pros: so far total sweetheart, has a car and a job lol treats me like a princess cons: has a kid (that lives in Philly), baby mama drama?, possible sleaze factor

BS: school teacher that's been chasing me awhile. I finally agree to a date, we meet for coffee and before I'm even out of the starbucks parking lot he's asking to come tittyfuck me. Seriously.

23: not to be confused with 24. 23 is a little cutie pie I've been seeing since March or so. He's super nerdy, young and adorable. He works at a computer store and is my official go-to guy for all things technical. Also has a giant curved appendage that comes in handy and will drop anything to come over. He's quicker than pizza. 20 mins and he's at my door. cons: apparently he fell off the planet - i've seen hide nor hair of him, doesn't return my texts... they usually do this when they're getting a gf and don't want to tell me yet in case it doesn't work out. idiots.

24: my pseudo-boyfriend. He doesn't want me to see other guys. Is a recent graduate from University, very brilliant artist (aren't they all). Super cute and usually stoned which also makes him lazy, unmotivated and paranoid. He's also broke, unemployed and lives with his parents. The plus? AMAZING when it counts. And you know when it counts so don't even ask me to explain. cons: posted a private video on his pornhub account. inexcusable and unforgiveable. he's out.

MM: thirty something guy that lives alone with his big bumbling jackass of a dog. He was very useful this summer because of his huge in-ground pool. (yes I realize that makes me a pool whore). Cool guy, digs hockey and zombies which earns him extra points. But man is he whiny when I don't return a text. Seriously. Major buzz kill. cons: can't decide whether he wants a gf or not - at the moment thinks he wants to be with his ex. (((yawn)))

Baghdad: Army guy that is currently stationed in... well... whatever, somewhere over there... was begging me to hook up with him before he was deployed. I didn't. He now professes his love and desire to marry me the instant he comes home. Sent me video of him slapping his penis. Seriously. Also sent me a disgusting amount of red roses for my birthday though... cons: psychotic, stalker, dishonest, possibly a pedophile...


*Red minions have been dismissed